3 Hidden Secrets For Finding The One

Although I'm happily married, I know dating is hard. Sometimes you get treated like shit. How did I try to avoid being thrown in the diaper genie?


This is the first of several posts about my perspectives on dating and relationships. Similar to what I wrote in my RBF blog, I believe being positive attracts those who are positive and being negative attracts those who are negative (Contrary to how magnets work, it's not a miracle haha).  

If we treat ourselves well, we will attract people who will treat us well. If we treat ourselves like shit, we will attract those who are attracted to those who treat themselves like shit...you know, so they can take advantage of us and expand their shit treating skills. 

Wait a sec...just so we are clear, how do you treat shit? I’ve changed my fair share of poopy diapers (still going at it BTW) and those get dumped into the Diaper Genie so no one can see it, hear it, taste it, touch it or smell it (they call it a Genie for a reason). 


Since most romantic relationships typically put all 5 senses to good use (possibly 6 if you're Demi in Ghost...cue the music...Oh My Love), getting treated like shit is like being invisible to the other person (Unless you're in the situation mentioned above).  
"I merely want to keep this as a record for my daughter so she can read it when she starts her dating journey (which I assume by then will include some sort of Matrix like contraption where she plugs into a system so she can use her virtual hand to slap swipe her potential date's face and log off without even leaving the house)" 
Anyway, I want to be completely honest, my level of dating experience compared to some others is relatively limited (Although I can definitely vouch for my experience of working on relationships). So for the dating gurus and single folks who have been at it for many many years, please take my story and opinion with a grain of salt. 

Maybe it is something you've already heard of and are rolling your eyes at the screen. Maybe you didn't even get thru to this part because you're so jaded by the whole dating scene. Or maybe it's something new and refreshing? 

Either way, I merely want to keep this as a record for my daughter so she can read it when she starts her dating journey (which I assume by then will include some sort of Matrix like contraption where she plugs into a system so she can use her virtual hand to slap swipe her potential date's face and log off without even leaving the house) 
I was in a committed relationship for 8 years throughout most of my twenties. Let's just say I was ready to settle down and he wasn't (which really isn't about readiness and rather about being the right person for each other at the right time...another post another time about my life lesson on Change).  

I met my husband months after the break-up and during those intense months, I hit the online dating scene hard.  At 27, I was a nervous little lamb who had no idea what dating was, especially online dating with that cutthroat, swipe left, swipe right, you're in or you're out type of mentality.  

Having spent most of my adult years in a relationship made it hard to separate myself as an individual and meet men who had been at the game for years. I literally came out of that relationship, asking myself, "Who am I? Where am I? Is this real life?"  I kinda had an existential crisis, to say the least. 

So before entering the scary dating world, I invented the following 3 secrets to discover who I was. I found it extremely helpful and I thought it might inspire others to do the same. I think it's fun to do even if you're happily coupled or happily singled. What are the secrets?  It's about defining what we need, want and deserve in a relationship. 
Needs
Generally, I have this belief that everyone needs the same qualities in a partner in order to have a healthy relationship.   


You know, the usual suspects like loyalty, integrity, trustworthiness, a good heart...like he's not a serial killer or some twisted soul who enjoys the pain of others (I am not going down the 50 Shades road okay? Thank you very much). 

 Basically, everything good and wholesome but the kitchen sink.
"a nice round bald head. Think about it...you can pretty much assume he’s got some dedicated parents with all that tummy time they made him do. They never gave up on him as they had the patience to sit thru that gawd awful cry while he smacked his face into the carpet every time his weak little neck couldn't hold his head up. Now that shows perseverance, a great quality to have for a man)"
Wants
Then there is the part about the wants which I think is specific to the individual depending on how they grew up. 


It branches off to the chemistry bits like attraction in terms of the physical, emotional and mental. It's the spice that makes the relationship about being lovers instead of friends. 

Let's blame thank Hollywood for all the idealistic standards they've given us to choose from. There are the conventional qualities for a man like: 
  • Style
  • Physique 
  • Sense of humour 
  • Confidence
  • Charm 
  • Good hair (or a nice round bald head. Think about it...you can pretty much assume he’s got some dedicated parents with all that tummy time they made him do. They never gave up on him as they had the patience to sit thru that gawd awful cry while he smacked his face into the carpet every time his weak little neck couldn't hold his head up. Now that shows perseverance, a great quality to have for a man)
  • Smell 
  • Basic hygiene 
  • Manners 
  • Gosling Abs 
  • Smiles of the Hemsworth brothers
Ummm...I can go on but then this will become a list of body parts for my Frankenstein McDreamy and Halloween is over

Then there's the conventional qualities for a woman...which I'm going to assume are very similar things as for men. The wants pretty much start getting ingrained in us once the horny bits kick into gear during our teenage years. 

I remember feeling an extra something at 13 when I saw Jesse Metcalfe take his shirt off as Miguel in the “short lived” (Yes, 9 seasons is short lived compared to the ongoing Days legacy) soap opera Passions

That was the moment I realized shoulders and chest were my jams (OK last of the body parts...maybe that's why I wanted to study Kinesiology after highschool? I was just a horny teenager who was obsessed with human anatomy...I digress again). 
Deserves 
So the wants and needs are pretty easy to figure out by the time you get into the dating scene as an adult. 

Now comes the deserves part and that is the hardest category to define and be honest about with ourselves because that means looking in a mirror and seeing ourselves in raw form: the good, the bad and the ugly. 

Some may be stuck in the bad and ugly bits because insecurities have smudged their mirror and they can't see the good. Then there are those who only see the good and are too afraid to move the mirror just slightly to see the bad and ugly. 

We all deserve to be loved and we all deserve to have the capacity to love. And to really understand what we deserve, we must get into a relationship with ourselves and work on it so we have the skills to work on a relationship with someone else. 

That means going on mental dates with ourselves and going thru our list of needs and wants. 

I asked myself some questions: 
Which ones do I have? Which ones do I not have? 
What am I going to do to bridge that gap? Are those things I want to work on? 
No? Why don't I want to work on them? 
Yes? What should I do now to start improving myself? 
What do I deserve? 

If I don't want to date me because I'm treating myself like shit, then that's the pool I'm going to be selecting from. 

We need to learn to love ourselves, treat ourselves with kindness, respect, integrity and authenticity. We cannot cheat ourselves of true happiness. 

We have to know how to communicate with ourselves and understand our thoughts and feelings so we have the ability to share them with another.  If we can't have an honest conversation with ourselves, how can we expect to do that in a relationship

So after going on some serious mental dates with myself, I drafted my first ever online dating profile.  It's long, raw and angry.  

Being the writer that I am, I wrote it in Word and found it recently.  I'm hoping to share it on this platform.  My daughter will either be completely embarrassed or maybe she will find it entertaining.  Only time will tell...

So Readers, are you single? Married? Divorced? Looking? How is the dating scene looking like nowadays? How was it when you found your "One"?


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