3 More Hidden Secrets for Finding The One (5 minute read)

My blog post about 3 Hidden Secrets to Finding the One has been one of my most popular posts (aside from the Asian Parenting ones).

**Click Below To Listen** 

It's my way of tracking this information so that when my daughter enters the dating world, I have tangible advice to give and not some bullshit excuse that I'm too old to remember (which is what my mom told me). 

The first post was mainly about figuring yourself out and what you need, want and deserve out of a relationship so that you don't get treated like shit (SPOILER alert: Stop treating yourself like shit). 

So I've decided to reveal a further 3 secrets. 

Here are some things that I used to help me stay sane during that intense, roller-coaster dating phase of my life:

1. Don't abuse technology (and don't let it abuse you)

We've all heard this about online dating. You know, how it's basically converted humans into swipe robots. 

Two people go on a first date. They have a good connection. They enjoy each others' company. They share some laughs and are somewhat attracted to one another.

However, the moment the date ends, they march back into the swipe factory. Right, Left, Right, Left, Right. 

The good connection they just experienced pales in comparison to the enticing and easily accessible possibility of finding the "perfect" connection. 
Why settle for good when you can potentially have AMAZEBALLS?  
Or how about this? Two people start chatting. They chat and chat and chat some more till the cows come home. Then what? 

I remember this one guy would text me every day after work, asking me how my day went and telling me what he did as though we were companions. After a week or so, I flat out asked him to meet up. He got skittish and so I moved on. We never met and I stopped returning his daily texts. I ain't got time for that bullshit, "Jeff". 
Hmmm...Why do I keep using that name for a guy I don't particularly like? Maybe it's because he broke up Zack and Kelly and then he goes and kisses some other girl?...holy crap I digress..no more Saved By The Bell references.
Anyway, we already know people are addicted to their phones and social media has us wrapped around its massive thumb (Like Like Like). The perception of peoples' lives has become this idealized, fantasy world where everything is perfect and Instagram-worthy.
I mean if we keep going that road, with enhanced Virtual Reality and the increasingly realistic devices to physically pleasure oneself without another human being, isn't it possible for people to fulfill all their needs, wants and deserves without ever leaving the house?

Okay, so first of all, if you actually believe in that future and are wanting that to happen, then you should just stop reading and go feed your Catfish (because that's what you're going to get, an old, fat guy a simulation pretending to be your true love). 

However, if you are committed to finding the one, you need to believe that you have the power and control over your ability to make real, authentic, human connections. 
Don't blame technology. It's merely a tool. Don't let it take over!
Stop continuing that text drama. Ask to meet up. Have a verbal and physical interaction with another person. Share a non-digital moment!

Give that good connection a chance. If you feel good about this person, meet him/her again. Still good? Meet them again. 

I married a good connection. We didn't blow each others' minds on the first date but by the time we had our 3rd date, we had kissed and the connection had become great. 

2. Stop using "I'm too old and stuck in my ways" as a crutch

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I'm never gonna change so I'll just accept the fact that I'm going to be forever alone
Yes - I enjoy using outdated memes
I'm a snowflake and no one will ever understand me except my cat me.

I like my way of doing things and I don't want to make time/room for someone else.



OK - I call bullshit! If you really believed that, then WHY are you even reading this post? Obviously, you want to find the one. It's in the freaking title of this post.

If you honestly believed those statements above, then you should go be alone. Just stop reading and go feed your cat. 

I left an 8-year long relationship when I first entered the online dating world. I had absolutely no dating experience. 

I had to figure out what the hell dating was in my late 20's and all the different social etiquettes involved with texting, dating no-nos, where to meet, how to dress etc.

However, I managed to meet my husband, marry him 2 years later and have our daughter.

How?

I viewed dating as a learning experience whenever I felt like shit.

I am a firm believer that no matter how old we get, we should always be learning about ourselves.

The relationship we have with ourselves consists of:

Self-discovery 
Self-reflection
Self-improvement 

You discover something new about yourself, reflect on who you were in the past, and apply the learnings to improve yourself in the future. 

One of the ways this relationship grows is by developing (and ending) connections with other people (romantic or not).

And dating (for the purpose of finding a life partner) can make that relationship you have with yourself incredibly vulnerable.

I constantly got disappointed (ie. They didn't respond back...WTF)

I constantly questioned myself (ie. Who am I? Why did I say/do that? What's wrong with me?)

I constantly felt I wasn't worthy of completely committing to someone else (ie. all the good ones are taken, should I go back to my Ex?).

However, with vulnerability comes courage. Whenever the date didn't work out, I used it to learn more about myself. I licked my wounds and got back out there to learn. It's not rejection or failure but rather "let's learn from this".

Age isn't an issue. You are the issue for using that as an excuse.

3. Learn from the 4 outcomes

When you go on a date, it can only play out in the following ways:

1. You like them but they don't like you

Do they never seem to like you but you like them? Do you really like them? Why do you like them so much? Do all these people provide what you want, need and deserve out of a relationship? 

2. They like you but you don't like them

Are they always texting you back but you're turned off? Are you picking the wrong people to date? Why don't you like them? What's the common theme of their characters that makes them unlikable? 

3. You both don't like each other

Is it this unspoken feeling where you both are apathetic about whether you text each other back? What made you both so incompatible? Would you consider being friends with this person instead?

4. You both like each other

Do you like them and they're responding mutually to you? Then keep dating and keep meeting up. See where it takes you.

Think about the last 4 people that you dated. Which categories did they fit in? Which outcome do you always seem to get?

When I was dating, I experienced all 4 of these. And obviously, the first outcome is the worst feeling in the world. I mean talk about hurt egos. 

I remember this one guy, on our first date, he brought a friend along without letting me know. And then he kept trying to get me to drink even though I told him I don't like to drink. I mean, those are some red flags but for some reason, I still liked him. After our second date, he stopped responding to my texts and I was devastated. 

But recovering from my hurt feelings, I realized there's an obvious reason why these guys didn't like me back. And it came down to what I wanted, needed and deserved from a relationship. 

I needed a guy who was confident in being who he was (without a sidekick) and someone who was considerate of me. He was neither and I only liked him because I wasn't being true to myself.

So Readers, what's one thing you learned about yourself while dating? 

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